Snowglobe

Thank you.

Wed, 22 May 2013 00:28:32 -0400

I want to say a thank you to all of you who have reached out to me over the past week or so. Whether it was words of comfort, liking of a text post, or some encouragement, I really appreciate it.

I know myself, and I don’t think that I’m through the worst of my grieving just yet.

On Thursday, I’ll head out to camp, and I’m sure that I’ll have some spare moments where I’ll get to thinking. It will be a nice break.

Fr. Rosco was also the camp administrator for three years, albeit when I was VERY young (like, he was there from `88-`90. I was born in `89) so I know that being there will dredge up some memories. I watched camp videos and home movies last week and just kind of let it sink in.

Monday was really tough for me, as well as for most people, but it was the first time that I was able to walk up to the coffin and actually say a final goodbye and give a final kiss goodbye. It’s difficult, but something I knew I needed to do.

I had a lot of people making sure I was okay, and I appreciated that, and it made me value my friends even more.

In light of everything going on though, I’ve really stepped back to evaluate some things in my life. There are so many things that I’ve said “If I had the time, I’d love to…” but the time is now, and if I don’t make the effort to make the time to take care of myself, do mission work, travel, volunteer, or whatever that ellipsis may be followed by, then I’m not living fully.

So I will continue to write about my health, and I think I can expect to write a bit more frequently. It’ll be difficult at camp (I have to be in the main lodge to get the internet), but I’ll make the effort, because I know it’s something I have and will continue to benefit from.

So than you all for your patience, your kind words, your thoughts, and your prayers. I’m not fully back together yet, but I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress and will draw strength from those around me and by living my life the way that Fr. Michael lived his, in Christ and in a way that benefited as many people as possible.

As our Bishop said during the eulogy, Fr. Michael touched “not tens, not hundreds, but thousands of lives” with his humanitarian efforts and his constant outreach. I want to live my life in that way.

Sorry that this post is once again, non-migraine related and reflective and all, but it’s something that I wanted to share with anyone who cares to read it. I appreciate you all and thank you for being there for me <3

Photo

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:27:06 -0400

coldoutside-butbrightlylit: I didn’t make this, but kudos to...

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:27:02 -0400

coldoutside-butbrightlylit:

I didn’t make this, but kudos to whoever did.

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:09:52 -0400

chronicillnesscat: [Image: 6-piece blue colored background with...

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:08:47 -0400

chronicillnesscat:

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Two side effects: dry mouth and overactive bladder. You see my problem here]

-_____-

makemestfu: So relatable blog :)

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:06:36 -0400

makemestfu:

So relatable blog :)

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:05:09 -0400

shutupaubrey: team “i wore this yesterday but i’m going to a different place so it doesn’t matter”

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:04:58 -0400

shutupaubrey:

team “i wore this yesterday but i’m going to a different place so it doesn’t matter”

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 02:00:45 -0400

ncrainbowgrrl replied to your post: Grief. Big Big Big hugs. Be good to yourself. Don’t feel badly...

Fri, 17 May 2013 01:01:22 -0400

ncrainbowgrrl replied to your post: Grief.

Big Big Big hugs. Be good to yourself. Don’t feel badly if you haven’t cried. We all grieve in our own ways… sometimes cry when least expected. But it’s clear you’re hurting, and don’t feel badly that you’re not doing it in some “prescribed way.”

Thank you <3 I started to process a bit tonight when I went to a Panachida (a memorial service) at his church tonight. When the Royal Doors being opened and my dad walked out, not Fr. Michael, it was kind of sobering.

Thank you thought. It’s nice to have it recognized that not everyone will grieve and deal with this kind of thing in the same way.

I also started to fall apart when I saw my Godmother and her son walk into the church. My mom and I sat behind her and were able to talk to her after the service.

It hurts. It’s tough, and I feel like sometimes people look at me weirdly because I’m not crying. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less, and it’s nice to have that recognized.

No, I still haven’t fully processed and I know I still have awhile left before I’m able to really grieve about this whole thing, but it’s also good to know that I have people who care about me all around. I needed to be that strong person for my Godmother tonight and I was glad I was able to. I was even able to make her laugh with a funny story (which was that HE is the one who baptized me, so now I’ll never have a legitimately signed baptismal certificate. To which she said “And see, he told me he NEVER made mistakes. HA!”)

Sometimes you have to laugh.

Grief.

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:03:15 -0400

“There really is no catch-all defined way for people to grieve, is there?”

As most of you know, I’ve been dealing with the death of a close family friend. And grief manifests itself in many ways. In my case, it takes a long time to manifest itself. I’m not an overly emotional person; that’s not to say that I’m cold, it’s just that being raised a Priest’s Daughter, I was always taught to be strong for other people, so my emotions tend to take a backseat.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch and have a sore neck. I haven’t cried, save for two random, intense 10-second spurts of crying. They were over nearly as quickly as they started. I keep looking at pictures and seeing the words “Eternal Memory!” or “Blessed Repose” or even “the driver died” but none of it is registering.

I’m not sitting here trying to deny that the accident happened, and I’m certainly not trying to convince myself that when I walk into the Perth Amboy church, Fr. Michael will be there. However, my brain just can’t rectify the information that I’m receiving with everything I know. Nothing is processing. I’ve become numb.

And I’ve been numb since about 8:30 yesterday morning.

Do you ever get a headache because you need to cry, but can’t? It’s not like I can just sit down and make myself cry. I have to feel the pain and the grief of my loss, but I just can’t. And it’s not because I’m sitting here and denying that it happened.

Yes, I know that Fr. Michael is with God and is looking down on everyone he loves and that loves him from up in heaven. I know that he is reaping the rewards of his years working as a priest and as a humanitarian in this world. And that provides comfort.

However, so does grief. I think that experiencing the full grieving process is important, and I haven’t yet been able to do that.

I’ve been talking to my friend Will about this at length. He’s out at the Seminary, so he’s in Johnstown, where the accident was. He knows that our families were very close, and he also knows that I emotionally shut down at the drop of a hat. So he’s been trying to just be there for me, and I appreciate that more than I can express.

Fr. Rosco and my dad were classmates at Seminary for 3 years. Fr. Rosco was in my dad’s wedding. His wife is my Godmother. He baptized me. My dad recommended Fr. Rosco for the position as camp director during the 80s. When my dad was the National ACRY Business Manager, Fr. Rosco was the National ACRY Editor. They worked together. They both organized activities for the NJ Deanery together.

When the choir was out of town, Fr. Rosco would call me up and ask me to cantor. He liked to hear me sing. Whenever I would answer the church line (“Saint Nicholas Rectory, May I help you?”) He never hesitated to say “Rachel! How are you?” My sisters and I all have very similar voices, so it was actually always a big deal that he recognized my voice.

I will miss him with every fiber of my being.

However, part of me still hasn’t accepted that he’s gone. And this is a part of the way that I’ve learned that I grieve.

And that’s okay, because - like Will said - there’s no defined way for people to grieve.

Eventually I’ll be able to cry. But until then, I’m stuck in this kind of limbo where I can’t really feel much of anything at all. I just made myself eat a Nutri-Grain bar because my appetite is completely non-existent.

Please continue to keep Pani Susan and Vlad Rosco and their family in your prayers.

I know this isn’t migraine related, but it’s personal and is just something that I needed to get out in order to process some information. Thanks to all of you who have reached out to me in my time of need. I appreciate the love that you’ve shown me.

“Really. I guess if you’re gonna have faith, you can’t just have it when the miracles happen. You have to have it when they don’t.”

Photo

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:35:38 -0400

Curse the migraine not the mind

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:26:17 -0400

arabellaivy:

Let the veins protrude from my aching skull
As my brain pivots in mindless dance
Prove that the pulsing pain is mind over matter
Stay still
Turn from the light that burns your inner core

Scream silently into your sheets

Don’t move because that gives it power
Don’t speak
Don’t breathe too heavily
Feel the pain
That’s all you can do
Run from your self absorbed thoughts
Disappear into the dark

-Krys

thatmword replied to your post: Eternal Memory + Fr Michael Rosco! So sorry for your loss Rachel....

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:22:32 -0400

thatmword replied to your post: Eternal Memory + Fr Michael Rosco!

So sorry for your loss Rachel. Will keep his family in my prayers.

Thank you Emily. I’m still very numb and in shock, so I still haven’t really reacted to it or been able to process it. I appreciate the prayers for his family though. Thank you so much.

onefitmodel: New Girl ➝ Best of Jess Day i love her

Wed, 15 May 2013 14:20:12 -0400

onefitmodel:

New Girl ➝ Best of Jess Day

i love her

Eternal Memory + Fr Michael Rosco!

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:40:03 -0400

Early this morning, Fr. Michael Rosco passed into eternal life after complications from a car accident on Friday afternoon.

There is very little information available right now, but I want to thank all of you who kept Fr. Michael in your thoughts and prayers these past few days.

Please continue to think of Pani Susan, Vlad, and their family as they go through this trying time.

Eternal Memory!

caper: Prayer Request - Update

Tue, 14 May 2013 20:32:18 -0400

caper: Prayer Request - Update:

rpeeze:

I just got an update about Fr. Michael and unfortunately the prognosis is not good.

Today they discovered that Fr. Michael is bleeding internally and they now don’t think that it looks good. They called his son (who stayed in NJ to watch the house and the dog) to come out to Johnstown. They tried…

Please continue to keep Fr. Michael and his family in your prayers. His O2 stats and blood pressure dropped drastically earlier today and they had to administer CPR. The internal bleeding is coming from a slow bleeding blood vessel in his chest cavity. He is in stable but extremely fragile condition.

I appreciate all of the prayers being sent out for Fr. Michael, Pani Susan, and Vlad.

That M Word: A Migraine Blog: "My Days of Losing Words": A Book About Chronic Migraine in Pictures

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:44:36 -0400

That M Word: A Migraine Blog: "My Days of Losing Words": A Book About Chronic Migraine in Pictures:

thatmword:

[“Untitled 2012”: image by Rachael Jablo]

Rachael Jablo has been a chronic migraineur for 5 years. She’s also a fine art photographer. Recently, she decided to utilize her skill to publish a photo book, “My Days of Losing Words,” to raise awareness about migraines in a whole new way.

In…

Auras.

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:38:00 -0400

So as I’ve mentioned before, I occasionally get auras before my migraines.

When I do experience an aura, it’s usually accompanied by what I’ve described as a Flash Migraine (see this post). But the more I read about auras, the more I realize how incredibly highly individualized even this rare part of a migraine attack is.

If you look “migraine aura” up on Google images, you’ll get lots of results showing a jagged semi-circle in what is presumably someone’s field of vision. In some cases it is bright and multicolored, and in others it is iridescent. This has never been a part of my aura (at least so far… or that I can clearly remember).

My auras seem to be characterized by a few things:

Auditory disturbances: I have had a slight hearing loss in my left ear since birth, presumably as a result of being born in distress. Therefore, it is common that every once in awhile, the hearing in that ear becomes dampened. However, I don’t use any kind of assistive listening devices. When I experience aura, a few things happen in the realm of hearing. I tend to experience tinnitus, which is especially awful because of the sound sensitivity that comes along with a migraine. A sound I can’t escape from? Fantastic. Also, besides the tinnitus, things start to sound metallic. I know that this isn’t really a succinct explanation, but I can’t think of any other word to use. All sounds just start to have a metallic tinge to them.
Visual disturbances: I do experience some visual disturbances, but they aren’t a jagged line across my vision, nor are they characterized by losing half of my field of vision. Instead, I start to experience a form of tunnel vision. The outer reaches of my vision start to become blurred, and my peripheral vision becomes almost non-existent because of it. I wear contacts on a daily basis, so it feels almost as if my contacts have stopped working at the corners of my vision.
Balance disturbances: This could be interconnected with the hearing thing, but my balance is much less than steady when I’m experiencing aura. Everything seems a bit skewed, so I have a bit more trouble than usual getting my footing (and I’m a pretty clumsy person when I’m offstage to begin with…)
Confusion: During this period, I cannot multitask like I usually do. In order to get a task done, I have to give it my full concentration. And it usually involves a very concerted effort. And I’m one of those people who likes to multitask as much as possible. I’m the queen of divided attention. (I actually had a friend tell me that when a professor told his class that “multitasking and divided attention are a myth” he actually laughed out loud, and in response to a look from the professor he said, “It’s just… You’ve never met my friend Rachel.”) During aura though, it takes time for me to move from one task to the next. This is not something I like at all.
Movement issues: I know that I mentioned balance issues before, but when I have an aura I also start to feel, well, discombobulated. My limbs don’t always seem to move how I want them to, and I sometimes feel like my body is changing. I’m no longer fully confident of the area my body occupies in space and find that I’m prone to taking too big a step on that last stair or trying to lean against a door frame that isn’t quite as close as I think it is.
Nausea: Yes, nausea is a part of my aura. It tends to signal the transition phase to me, when I will move into experiencing pain. Nausea is usually the first sign though.

As I’ve mentioned before, when I experience an aura, my migraine pain seems to be more intense. I don’t know the reason for this - but then again, do any of us really know the reasons behind most of our migraine issues?

Do any of you share any of these characteristics of your auras? I’d love to hear about how you experience aura, if that is a part of your migraine process. Like I said, I’ve only been experiencing occasional aura for a few years (and was diagnosed with chronic migraine at the age of 13… I’m now 24.)

I’d love to hear about how others experience this phenomena!

"Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest..."

Mon, 13 May 2013 21:34:04 -0400

““Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.””

- N’tima (via kevinidentity)